Book Club Calendar 2011

Just in case you want some good reading ideas, here is my book club calendar for the year.

January—The Bridge at Andau by James Michener

February—Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout

March—Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay

April—Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese

May—Abundance by Sena Jeter Naslund

June—Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

July—The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

August—I Still Dream of You by Fannie Flagg

September—The Wednesday Wars by Gary Schmidt

October—Kill the Clock by Sunny Kreis Collins

November—Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

Four-year old fears

In case you have ever wondered what a four-year old fears, I will give you a snap shot. Sharks in the toilet. Getting locked in a hot car. Getting married and having kids and having to move out of mom and dad's home. Someone behind the shower curtain when you are sitting on the toilet. Lest you think that this is stranger phobia, I'll explain, when I asked Ceece for clarification she said that she is worried that the person behind the curtain can smell it when things get stinky and it is a little embarrassing for her. In dreams the fears get a little bigger. Last night Ceece came into my room and said she had a bad dream that she was at an amusement park and there was a statue of T-Rex there. Next to it was a red button that said "Don't touch". Claire said she pushed the button and T-Rex came alive and started eating people. Now that is scary.

So what do mom's of a four-year old fear? The end of naps. Painful insults from other children. Growing up too fast. Getting lost or worse snatched. I faced this fear on Friday while we were at Seaworld. We were with a large group of cousins and aunts and uncles so the kids kind of walked en masse everywhere. At one point we left the indoor aquarium and walked to the tide pool. I thought for sure that Ceece was with the kid group that went to the tide pool, but when I got there she was no where to be seen. I internally panicked, left Kens with the group and ran back to the aquarium. The aquarium wasn't well lit and I couldn't see much when I got inside. I ran frantically to the tanks we had just visited and then across the dark room I saw a sole spotlight on the floor, much like one you would see on a stage, illuminating my Claire who was performing some grand pirouettes and then some pretty impressive leaps. I watched her for a few seconds, saved the mental image, ran to her, picked her up and gave her a big hug.

I didn't even bother to tell her she was lost or how worried I was because in a second I realized that sometimes fears are just that, fears. We get worried about a lot of things that are POSSIBLE, but not many that are probable. Watching Claire twirl I realized that most the time things do go right, accidents don't happen, we're healthy and surrounded by people we love and life turns out pretty good.

***Right after I posted this, Dave read it and said, "Tara, don't jinx us."***

Visiting Grandpa Arlie

This week I got a phone call from my dad saying that my 92-year-old grandpa's health was failing and that his hospice worker recommended that people start coming to say their last goodbyes. We packed up the next morning and my brother Aaron, his wife, kids, Claire and I drove to Mesa to go see him. My dad and my step-mom met us there.

My dad wasn't raised by his father and although I always knew my grandpa I haven't seen him often over the past few years, but I really wanted to see him now. He has dementia and isn't very lucid most of the time so I wasn't sure how meaningful it would be for him to see us, but it turned out to be such a great experience to spend a few hours with him. When we walked in he turned immediately to my dad, extended his hand and said, "Jackie Lee, my eldest son." He wasn't so clear on who the rest of us were, but his warmth of greeting was wonderful.

I reminded him shortly after arriving that when I was a kid, starting about the time I was 13 each time I would see or talk with him that he would ask, "Are you pregnant yet?" I thought it was pretty funny as a straight-laced Mormon girl. So this time I told him that I could finally answer "yes" to his question. His quick quip back was, "Well do you know who the father is?" It was astonishing to me that, although he didn't even know where we were, his humor was intact.

We sat with him for several hours, talked to him, reminded him of things in the past, held his hand and smoothed his hair. He fell asleep after about 30 minutes, but it was so serene we couldn't leave. I kept thinking about childhood memories of grandpa Arlie, from the ever present aroma of pipe smoke and that sheriff's Stetson hat tipped to the side to the actual jail cells and guns in the basement of his house in Kansas. As a child, and even an adult, I loved hearing stories of his adventures from his years as a mounted sheriff (who'd even chased down a train on horse to catch a criminal) and as a soldier in WWII to whispered stories of his pre-war bootlegging and card playing days and marrying my grandma Jane when was she was still a teen without her parent's consent. Mostly, I always remember him telling me that he loved and respected my mother, even many years after my parents divorced.

I marveled that being with someone preparing to go home, is so similar with being with someone who just left home. It's quiet. There is not much to say, except to express love and gratitude. It is peaceful. And touching seems like a natural thing to do. I can't imagine holding my grandpa's hand and caressing his face if he wasn't in such a weak condition, but I kept unconsciously putting my hand from him to my stomach where I would pat my own baby. It made me happy to think that without my grandpa Arlie and my baby-to-be ever sharing earthly space that they are part of each other and my baby could inherit his card sharp skills or his keen sense of humor and hopefully, hopefully, his genuineness.

Kennedy Turned Two

And yes, we haven't even celebrated it yet even though it was two weeks ago. I justified it by saying that since she was born the day after Christmas that it was anti-climactic to have a party, but the longer I let it go I think I am in denial that my little wee is growing up. I'm feeling rushed with her babyness creeping away from me each day. I felt like I leisurely watched Ceece grow up and enjoyed each stage, but it took me almost a year to start savoring Kennedy's day-to-day changes. Not because I didn't enjoy her, quite the opposite, but because there was so much going on all the time. I'm so grateful year two slowed down because I have loved her scrumptious ways this year so much. Here is my snapshot of Kennedy from this last year.

• Kennedy has quite possibly the softest skin I have ever felt. Honestly, it is so smooth and blemish-free you feel like licking her.
• Claire said to me the other day that Kennedy's cheeks smell like pie and guess what, they do, ALL THE TIME.
• Kennedy loves her extended family and she really knows that they are hers. Aunt Shari is her favorite, but her uncles don't come far behind. You can always find her sidled up to one of them on the couch, just trying to be unobtrusive, but close.
• Kennedy was a slow starter with the walking thing, she waited until well into her first year to take her first steps and the first time she walked Dave and I had to laugh, there was no tottering, but perfect stability. In fact, she walked across the room, bent down and picked up a toy and then turned around and walked right back to us.
• Claire and Kens are just starting to be good friends, but have had a promise of a connection for quite some time. Ceece told me a few months ago that when Kennedy turns two she will be her best friend.
• The Claire/Kens connection is apparently telepathic, too. Driving in the car the other day, I overheard Claire whispering to herself. I asked her what she was saying and she said that she was telling Kennedy, who was at Aunt Shari's to "be brave, we are almost home." I asked her if Kennedy could understand her from far away and she looked at me quizzically and said, "Of course."
• Kennedy has a grin that will melt your heart. She holds it a second too long each time and then if you are really lucky she will even cock her head to one side and keep that grin a-going. It is quite possibly the most adorable thing ever.
• Kens hasn't picked up on talking that quick either which might be due to the fact that she is tongue-tied, but she uses her few words well, especially "No!". She can literally thrust this word at you like no other, especially when you take her food from her.
• Kens has this irresistible trait of caressing your head or rubbing your back. Out of nowhere, she will get her little hands and smooth your hair or pat you on the back. I love it.
  
• My favorite Kennedy phrase is "I want bone." which means I want a drumstick, but close behind is "I dress." which means that she is about to strip naked and start afresh, usually just putting on Claire's underwear, even though we haven't started potty training yet.
  
• Kennedy loves food. Much to Dave's chagrin, over Christmas her aunts started calling her Big K. She lost some of her curves but still has enough squishiness to go round.
  
• Kennedy is independent and, just like Big Sis, has a definite point of view. When she doesn't get her way she throws a very sedated, slow-motion tantrum. She will un-spontaneously lay herself on the ground, avoiding any trauma from a quick fall, and let out a delayed deliberate howl.
  
• Kennedy loves animal--"a-meow" (a cat) or Stu, her cousins dog, being among her favs. She is gentle with them and never afraid. She will follow them around for hours or try to cajole them into sitting next to her by patting the ground with her hand.
  
• Kennedy, thank heavens, is still a good napper. She takes two each day. She is so good in fact, that I haven't taken away her paci, despite what I promised in Looking Back, for fear that she will leave me hanging with one nap a day, like Claire did.
  
• Kens is a daddy's girl. You can always find her running to him arms out-stretched or following behind him saying, "I go".
  
• She is my eager to laugh, eager to cuddle, and eager get going girl and I love her like crazy.
  
  Happy birthday, my little wee, whenever I get around to celebrating it.

What I envisioned...

Before I had kids I could envision doing a few things with them, some have been a little anti-climatic (like brushing my daughter's hair which turns into an all out cry-fest. Every. Single. Time.), but some surpassed all expectations. Last night, I had a mother/daughter dream fulfilled. Dave and I took Claire, dressed in her Sunday best, to see the Nutcracker performed by the Moscow Ballet. Claire was so excited to go and then once we got there was shy, expectant and hopeful all at once.

As the lights dimmed she craned her neck to see until she found her spot on my lap where she had a good vantage point of the dancers, the stage and the costumes. She asked so many questions during the ballet that I know it must have distracted some in the audience, but I couldn't resist whispering to her about Clara (or Claire, as I called her), her beloved Nutcracker and the fierce Mouse Queen (in this version). Claire's favorite part, naturally, was the dancing snowflakes in the enchanted forest. After she sat on my lap for awhile she went to Dave's lap and I got to see her in profile--glowing, alert eyes, head expectantly tipped up, and a small perfect mouth slightly open in awe. I was mesmerized by her. So beautiful. So thrilled. So unaware of being watched and happy. On the way home Claire said, "Mom that was a beautiful day." I completely agree--watching you, watching your first ballet was absolutely priceless to me. And today, all she could talk about is when it was her turn. 

I want to change the world, instead I sleep...

As Ingrid Michaelson says, despite my best intentions I've spent a lot of time sleeping lately. In fact, I've spent so much time catnapping that I literally had 40 alarm clock times saved in my cell phone. Odd times wake up times too, such as 11:47am (just in time to go and pick up C from pre-school), 1:45pm (enough time to snooze once before getting up to check my work email before the end of the NY work day) and 6:18pm (building in a few minutes to get the house together before Dave gets home and thinks I have just been napping all day). Granted the catnaps are usually about seven or eight minutes long, thus the reason I need 40 wake up times. You would think I wouldn't even need a wake up time with C and Kens around, but the crazy thing is I can sleep soundly through absolute bedlam. I wake up with crowns on my head, stickers on my feet, pen marks in books on a kid's lap who is sitting on my back. Bottom line, this baby is wiping me out, even with an unprecedented bedtime of 8:30pm for a self-declared night owl. Prime time TV, what's that? Current events, no clue. My time, doesn't exist (at least during rousing hours). I thought fatigue was the curse of the first and third trimester. Why at 26 weeks? I'm exercising, stocking up on ZZZ's, eating pretty good and getting fresh air. What gives?

Oodles of Cuteness

The Princess and the Frog revealed. I resisted a girlie-girl costume for Kennedy because I thought that this was likely the last year I could dress her in anything I liked, but she managed to squeeze her pink and ruffly side out on her own, by pulling a tu-tu over her frog costume for trick or treating. People were confused and I got a lot of that is the cutest princess bug, but boy oh boy that girl looked so cute.