The Farm, Memorial Day Weekend 2009

Come friend, let beauty refresh thy spirit.

Mush

I am not the type of woman who falls instantly and madly in love with her babies. Don't get me wrong, I love them right off the bat and am happy they are around, but that magical connection I imagined all mother's feel the moment their newborn babe is put in their arms just doesn't happen to me. For me, vibrant, teary-eyed, tender mother's love comes progressively and then occasionally it just floods in.

I figured this out with Claire one night when she was two months old. She was awake for a 2am feed. I was falling asleep nursing her and couldn't wait to go back to bed. When she finished eating she wasn't ready to sleep, but instead wanted to frolic. I weighed my options: I could let her cry it out, or I could stay up with her in her wee hour happy hour. I decided to stay up with Claire and as I roused myself to play with her, a sudden gush of love for Claire filled my heart. Then it hit me--my love for my child grows exponentially when I serve her. Any service works, but service when it is hardest to give works best. The more I push myself out of my comfort zone and chose the needs of my child over my own, the more I am rewarded by love for them. Duh! I am sure most mom's figure this out before they are even a mom, but that night it was a revelation to me.

Since then, I have marveled how it works time and time again. After a late night working, two nursing sessions, and a diaper change in the middle of the night and then an early morning with Claire, today, I spent the whole day feeling love wash over me for Kennedy. I couldn't get enough of my little baby and her giggles, shy smiles, seeking eyes and of course those squishy rolls. My heart is simply mush for this little girl today. My reward for just a few hours of lost sleep is overwhelming.

"I'm Just a Little Girl"

There is one thing that Claire and I completely agree on these days, neither of us want her to grow up. I mentioned in the last post that one of Claire's favorite things to say of late is "No, I am just a little girl". This is her response every time I call her something unusual such as "Sweetie", "Smartie", "Lovey Lou". She even said the other day that she doesn't want to be a princess anymore (Dave was elated) as a preface to "I am just a little girl". At first I thought it was because she wanted to be a baby again like Kennedy, but she has cleared that up every time I call her my baby with the recitation of her mantra, "No, I am just a little girl, Kennedy is a baby."

Maybe she is like me, she just wants things to slow down. I am loving this time, this age, this life. I am not always as satisfied, but for now things are just where I want them--it feels good. I want these moments to last, to stretch out.

I took Claire on a "date" the other day. We went to dinner and she kept yelling out spontaneously, "I'm on a date!" I could have heard it over and over. I couldn't stop myself from grinning. Later that day we drove to Northern California and on a break Dave and I took turns dancing with our girls in a windy star lit parking lot. I could have twirled for hours. This weekend, Kennedy spent an hour in my arms just giggling every time I told her "Do not truffle with me, Kennedy". Yes, I borrowed the phrase from Michael J. Scott and nothing ever seemed so utterly adorable.

Everyone always asks what your favorite age in children is. For me, this is it--4 months and 2 +. I just needed to experience it in tandem.

Side note: I had to attach this photo of Claire. She looks caught between two worlds--so child like and vulnerable, but then grown up.