Mush

I am not the type of woman who falls instantly and madly in love with her babies. Don't get me wrong, I love them right off the bat and am happy they are around, but that magical connection I imagined all mother's feel the moment their newborn babe is put in their arms just doesn't happen to me. For me, vibrant, teary-eyed, tender mother's love comes progressively and then occasionally it just floods in.

I figured this out with Claire one night when she was two months old. She was awake for a 2am feed. I was falling asleep nursing her and couldn't wait to go back to bed. When she finished eating she wasn't ready to sleep, but instead wanted to frolic. I weighed my options: I could let her cry it out, or I could stay up with her in her wee hour happy hour. I decided to stay up with Claire and as I roused myself to play with her, a sudden gush of love for Claire filled my heart. Then it hit me--my love for my child grows exponentially when I serve her. Any service works, but service when it is hardest to give works best. The more I push myself out of my comfort zone and chose the needs of my child over my own, the more I am rewarded by love for them. Duh! I am sure most mom's figure this out before they are even a mom, but that night it was a revelation to me.

Since then, I have marveled how it works time and time again. After a late night working, two nursing sessions, and a diaper change in the middle of the night and then an early morning with Claire, today, I spent the whole day feeling love wash over me for Kennedy. I couldn't get enough of my little baby and her giggles, shy smiles, seeking eyes and of course those squishy rolls. My heart is simply mush for this little girl today. My reward for just a few hours of lost sleep is overwhelming.