Ch-Ch-Ch-Changing

My step dad told me once that change typically happens in bursts--very quickly--rather than gradually like most people think. I've thought about that a lot and have since seen some dramatic bursts of change in my life and others lives. Its amazing to think that someone can wake up one morning and really commit to being different and stick with it. Change takes real power, real dedication.

The other night I thought about this again when Dave and I went with some friends to the Jewel concert. I've always liked Jewel. I like that she writes her own music and lyrics. I like that she seems somewhat unchanged by her stardom and I like that she has never fixed her teeth. Anyway, it was a great concert. She played for several hours, just her on the stage with a guitar. She told the story of the song "Hands", which she wrote when she was 18 years old, homeless and really having a difficult year physically and emotionally. She said she has started stealing from stores and was justifying it to herself somehow, like the establishment owed it to her. Then, one day, she saw a sun dress she wanted and thought about stealing it, but then changed her mind. She decided she didn't want to be "that person".

She went on to write "Hands" and so many other songs in her 18th year--songs that she later built her career on. It is amazing how pivotal that year was for her. It was the worst year of her life but the catalyst for so much rapid change.

I guess this is on my mind right now, because things seem pretty bleak in the world right now. We really do need change and rapid change and the crazy thing is despite it all, I am an optimist and think that it could actually happen. We could wake up one morning and be different--more fiscally responsible, more conscious of others, more supportive of people with different backgrounds and beliefs, more willing to be an example. Or in the words of Jewel:

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Looking Back

When I was pregnant with Claire I did a lot of looking forward and now that I am pregnant again, I feel like I am doing a lot of looking back. Looking back on perfect and not so perfect moments and looking back on what I would do the same and what I would do differently. So what are my reflections on parenting after almost two years in the biz? Here's my ever expanding list:

1. I will not wake a sleeping baby. Yep, I did this every four hours until Claire was about two months. She wanted to sleep, and I wanted weight gain. Guess what, she still hasn't gained much weight and still loves her naps.

2. I will let my little one teach me about what kind of mother she needs. I feel like I was so clueless with Claire I just did this kind of naturally and I am so glad I didn't force a parenting style or particular technique on her. She has taught me exactly what she needs in her time. 

3. I will not tell lies. Yep again, I told many of you lies when Claire was just a babe in arms, in that first six weeks particularly, of the "I'm feeling great", "I'm managing really well", "I feel emotionally really stable" variety. Lie, lie, and lie again.

4. I will teach my new wee about Heavenly Father and Jesus earlier. Look, I just didn't know what I was doing. Somehow talking to Claire about spiritual topics seemed above her head when she was a baby, but in reality it was the most simple place to start, at the beginning.

5. I will not use the paci or the bottle past one year--the weaning part is just too painful to me. Even now, almost two months since Claire lost her precious "paci", I have moments where I want to go to my secret stash, present her with her treasure, and just please the punch out of her. 

6. I will have a date night every week with Dave. I can't tell you how much I look forward to just dressing up and being romanced every once in awhile. Since we have moved to California, we have successfully gone out at least once a week, just the adults. I love it and look forward to it and when I asked Claire the other day who her best friend was, guess who she said? "Jessie", her teenage babysitter. I guess she loves it too. 

7. I will not feel guilty about being a working mom. This is a tough one. I love working from home part-time and I hate working from home part-time. I love the encouragements I get from work and people who respect working moms and I hate it (and on some level agree with it) when others don't. All I know is at the end of the day, guilt makes me not love who I am and what I do and that is not good for me being the best mom I can be, so good-bye guilt.

8. I will let God tell me about who he gave me. I won't believe in wives' tales about heart burn meaning kids will be strong willed, easy sleepers being peace makers, or poor eaters being picky. I will learn about my little girl as she choices to reveal herself to me layer by layer. It has been wonderful to see who Claire is from the source, her perfect divine self. 

So what advice do you have for me with number two, my friends? Observations from near or far, I would love to hear your suggestions. 

Trick or Treat, Mainly Treats

Claire progressively relished Halloween this year. With three Halloween events to go to and a lovely little lamb costume, handcrafted by my mom, how couldn't she? On Sunday morning she wanted to put on her lamb costume again, probably just because it is synonymous with treats to her, but I must admit it was so exciting seeing her get into the swing of things. Here's some pics to give you the flavor.

Still a little star struck at her first event.

Cousin Jada, the Princess Pig, helped coach her along.

By Halloween night, my girl had mastered the cuteness factor. I took this picture from inside one of our neighbors house, just so I could get the full effect of her knocking and waiting. Don't think she was shy about it. She would literally go up to the houses by herself, ring the doorbells (the ones she could reach), say "please trick or treat" and even occasionally "thank you".

A Perfect Week

This past week one of my dearest friends in the world, Freddie, came to visit with one of her good friends, Cordula. Freddie and I met in high school when she was an exchange student from Germany and have kept in touch over the years. She has visited me everyplace I have lived post high school, and I have even made it across the world to visit her a few times as well. I am so grateful that our friendship has survived the years and the distance. While she was here we were talking about what Feith calls the categories of friendship--friends for a season, a reason or a lifetime. We both agreed that we have entered the lifetime category after almost 20 years of friendship (yikes!). 

One  of the amazing things about Freddie and Cordula both while they were here was how good they were to my Claire. It somehow strengthened by friendship with Freddie even more to see how she loved my little girl. I grew closer to Freddie by watching her read Claire books, seek out her hand, even set her straight a time or two. The love people share with Claire flows directly to me. Not only from friends like Freddie, but also from family and even Claire's little friends. Thanks for the great week ladies. Claire and I miss you a ton!

Footloose and Paci-Free

Ten days later and my girl is still paci-free. I am so proud of her--she kicked her first bad habit. Claire has been a little trooper and each day has gotten easier and easier. She is still asking for the bink, but not as much. When she asks for it, I respond "Where did your pacifier go?" and Claire will then point upward and say "Up, up, up". She has looked at the pics from the send off several times, but more with nostaligia now than actual remorse. The only downside is that Claire's nap schedule has a bit of a kink in it now. She used out during the day from 9-11 and 3-5 like clockwork. She is now sometimes combining naps, sometimes taking two naps on her old schedule and one dreaded day didn't even take a nap. I don't know what to expect each day and didn't realize what an equalizer the paci was. I need a new nap routine, any ideas? Thanks for all of your encouragement spoken or otherwise. Next step: potty training!

Claire's 12-Step Option

On Sunday, Claire bid goodbye to her most treasured friend--her pacifier. We knew it was time when she would wake up in the middle of the night whining "paci, paci". In fact, we knew it was time long before that but couldn't bear to take it from her when it brings her so much peace and comfort. Dave even mentioned the other night, reflecting on the bink, that he can see why parents make bad decisions for their kids because it brings them temporary happiness. We were admittedly firmly entrenched in that boat. 

We started by scaling her back a few months ago to only using the "paci" at church, nap time and bedtime. She handled the scale back really well and would even joyfully throw her "paci" into the crib in the morning when she was ready to get up, but we knew kissing the bink goodbye forever would be a different matter. Auntie Laurel helped keep us on track with a book that she gifted to Claire entitled, "Pacifiers Are Not Forever". We read it for weeks to help Claire wrap her mind around giving her "paci" up. Finally, we just picked a date and held what we termed, the Pacifier Sendoff. 

We thought about taking the pacifiers to a baby and having Claire give the up, but then worried that it might make her resent babies (which would definitely be bad since we have one permanently coming to join us in December). We then thought about just trimming the pacifier slowly until it was just a nub and no longer fun to suck, but then I worried about choking and nixed that idea. We decided that the moment had to be memorable and final (after all, I am only so strong and could not bear to go through this twice). That is how the Pacifier Sendoff was born. 

The idea was to attach all of Claire's beloved "pacis" to balloons and let her send them off to heaven. 

Which she did...

After one last love...

It has been a rough week, particularly for me. Claire has been really good about it most of the time and the first night went to sleep almost seamlessly. She had her breakdown on Wednesday though, when she woke up from her nap crying "paci, paci". I held her while she weeped/ moaned inconsolably for almost 20 minutes for her friend. It was all I could do not to break into my secret stash and get her one last suck. Yesterday, she encountered three bink suckers and the Children's Museum--I can't imagine her self-restraint--and didn't even rip them from their mouths, as I had feared. Today, she still asked for it a few times but less and less. And tomorrow, well it is Sunday, Claire's most dreaded day and we will see how she faces three hours (count them, One...Two...Three...I certainly will be tomorrow) of church "paci"-free. Wish her luck and keep her in your prayers, my little "paci"-fiend.

Dave & Tara's #8: New York State of Mind

I know we haven't finished our Top Ten Favorite Memories of NYC yet, for good reason. We needed to take a hiatus from reminiscing about our city for a minute to help us adapt to our new city. Now that our post-move wounds have healed enough for us to be a little reflective without being trunky, we are ready to post yet another favorite.

Over Labor Day weekend, we flew to New York with some friends for a quick weekend trip to see the US Open and after Dave and I reflected on what we like about the city most and we both agreed that it is not the theater, the arts, the cosmopolitan way of life, or even the food (and you know that is a huge draw), but more simply how it feels. We both love the expected and the unexpected that you encounter living in The City--the way every corner holds a surprise, but yet again not really. New York has multiple faces from Madison Avenue posh and Alphabet City grunge to Lower East Side nostalgia and Times Square modernity and hidden in each of these areas are remarkable areas of solitude and even peace. We just love it all and when we went back we realized we just missed her face.

To give you a picture of what we mean, we compiled a video of our favorite pics from NY (all from our lens). They are far from professional, but I think you will get a feel for the face of NY and why we just miss looking at her from all angles. The last pics are taken from Dave's last drive out of the city on his way to California. I still get sniffles as I watch his shots from the rear view mirror.