What I envisioned...

Before I had kids I could envision doing a few things with them, some have been a little anti-climatic (like brushing my daughter's hair which turns into an all out cry-fest. Every. Single. Time.), but some surpassed all expectations. Last night, I had a mother/daughter dream fulfilled. Dave and I took Claire, dressed in her Sunday best, to see the Nutcracker performed by the Moscow Ballet. Claire was so excited to go and then once we got there was shy, expectant and hopeful all at once.

As the lights dimmed she craned her neck to see until she found her spot on my lap where she had a good vantage point of the dancers, the stage and the costumes. She asked so many questions during the ballet that I know it must have distracted some in the audience, but I couldn't resist whispering to her about Clara (or Claire, as I called her), her beloved Nutcracker and the fierce Mouse Queen (in this version). Claire's favorite part, naturally, was the dancing snowflakes in the enchanted forest. After she sat on my lap for awhile she went to Dave's lap and I got to see her in profile--glowing, alert eyes, head expectantly tipped up, and a small perfect mouth slightly open in awe. I was mesmerized by her. So beautiful. So thrilled. So unaware of being watched and happy. On the way home Claire said, "Mom that was a beautiful day." I completely agree--watching you, watching your first ballet was absolutely priceless to me. And today, all she could talk about is when it was her turn. 

I want to change the world, instead I sleep...

As Ingrid Michaelson says, despite my best intentions I've spent a lot of time sleeping lately. In fact, I've spent so much time catnapping that I literally had 40 alarm clock times saved in my cell phone. Odd times wake up times too, such as 11:47am (just in time to go and pick up C from pre-school), 1:45pm (enough time to snooze once before getting up to check my work email before the end of the NY work day) and 6:18pm (building in a few minutes to get the house together before Dave gets home and thinks I have just been napping all day). Granted the catnaps are usually about seven or eight minutes long, thus the reason I need 40 wake up times. You would think I wouldn't even need a wake up time with C and Kens around, but the crazy thing is I can sleep soundly through absolute bedlam. I wake up with crowns on my head, stickers on my feet, pen marks in books on a kid's lap who is sitting on my back. Bottom line, this baby is wiping me out, even with an unprecedented bedtime of 8:30pm for a self-declared night owl. Prime time TV, what's that? Current events, no clue. My time, doesn't exist (at least during rousing hours). I thought fatigue was the curse of the first and third trimester. Why at 26 weeks? I'm exercising, stocking up on ZZZ's, eating pretty good and getting fresh air. What gives?

Oodles of Cuteness

The Princess and the Frog revealed. I resisted a girlie-girl costume for Kennedy because I thought that this was likely the last year I could dress her in anything I liked, but she managed to squeeze her pink and ruffly side out on her own, by pulling a tu-tu over her frog costume for trick or treating. People were confused and I got a lot of that is the cutest princess bug, but boy oh boy that girl looked so cute.

Keep talking Ceece

Several times a day Claire cracks me up--makes me out loud chuckle. I don't think she has any idea how clever and funny she can be. Here is a sampling to give you an idea of what I get to deal with chez-moi:

Straight-faced, "Do boys pee from their belly button?"

Concerned and holding her elbow, "Remember when I choked the other day? I think the food ended up in my arm."

Contemplatively, in prayer, "Please bless Jonah not to get in the water so he won't get swallowed by a whale." "Please bless Jesus to be a good boy." "Bless that we will listen to Heavenly Father when we are bored." "Please bless the birds not to get wet so they can take care of their babies and Kennedy not to play with birds because they are fragile." "Bless dad not to get bit by a snake."

Quizzically, while singing "Here come the bride, all dressed and wide" Claire stops short and then asks, "Why do you call her wide, mom?"

Dramatically and through hysterical sobs, after her bestie Logan tore her dress during play, "I'm just like Cinderella, her step-sister tore her dress too!"

To circumvent, after I refused to let her wear a skirt for fifth day in a row, "But I don't look like a princess, I look like a human!"

Dreaming...

I wish I could dip my toes

one more time back into the water of your beautiful shore, Bear Lake.

Baby = Blue

Our Toughest Work

The other day I was having some pretty strong nesting urges and decided to clean out our guest room closet, which contained wall to wall boxes--some of which had not been opened since our last move from New York. It was such a great walk down memory lane. I found pictures, stories Dave had written, letters, playbills and love notes (not all from Dave either, smile). This all coincided on my typical pregnancy depression over the general decline of civilization. I'm sure my gloom has something to do with the fact that I have this innocent life growing inside me and all I want to do is protect him/her from sadness, corruption, others bad choices, etc. It seems like everywhere I look from books and newspapers to TV and movies I am bombarded with images of what I don't want my children to be exposed to. It really makes me worry that I won't be able to prepare them enough for what lies ahead and the trials and temptations they will face.

Anyway, while I was rummaging through my closet I came across this email from my stepfather that gave me hope. He wrote it four days after Claire was born.

Your mother told me that you left quite a bit of yourself in the delivery room last Thursday. But be consoled; you have done your toughest work regarding this sweet daughter until the year 2020. Enjoy the next thirteen years and then get a good strong blessing and read Job.

Here is something further to think about: We know we have a charge as God's children to do our duty to Him. But I also think, if I may be so bold as to suggest, He may have a duty toward us. Job does not say it, but he seems to imply this, that God owes something to his children. He made His child incapable of living without Him. For the fulfilling of this their claim God has sent His Son. We have no merit, but God has given us rights. His whole desire and labor (This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and Eternal life of man) is to make us capable of claiming the things he has promised us--our birthRIGHT. You did not create "your" child; you (we) only yielded to an impulse created in ourselves. God is infinitely more bound to provide for His child than any man is to provide for his. God created both the child and the child's hunger. He made us, His creatures of a thousand necessities--have we no claim on Him? A created need is a created claim. God is the origin of both need and supply, the Father of our necessities, the abundant giver of good things. Your (His) child's necessity, her weakness, her helplessness are the strongest of her claims--on you now, and on Him later. And this is just what God desires--that His children should claim their Father and their birthRight that He promises His obedient child.

My stepfather's words have been so comforting to me these past few weeks. I particularly love the thought, "Your (His) child's necessity, her weakness, her helplessness are the strongest of her claims--on you now, and on Him later". I really do feel my children's claim on me now. I just want to fill their minds with all things good, uplifting, abundant. Claire, in particular, is a little sponge right now and I have felt very clearly that I can choose to either teach her faith or doubt. She asks so many questions--really profound questions. Today we were talking about Jesus and I told her that he is her brother. Later today, she says to me "Mama, we have five people in our family, mom, dad, CC, Kennedy and Jesus". She trusts and believes me which can be really overwhelming. She is exercising her claim on me and right now I need to remember that my responsibility is to fulfill this claim by making sure that she knows that she is capable of claiming her birthRIGHT.